I'm a creative. I’m always working on something I find beautiful or fulfilling. There is always a next step to take and patience is key to progress. 

I’ve travelled extensively and lived in a lot of cool places and I'm desperately thirsty for more, but my focus is at home and grounding myself for the time being.

I don't seek pleasure as much as I do joy and adventures, but nothing gives me more pleasure than hearing my children laugh or having a deep and meaningful over a meal, or walk’n’talk with friends. 

My favourite thrills are galloping through fields and skiing blindingly fast. 

Wherever possible I cook from scratch, fresh is always best. 

I make a point in investing in myself and learning every day. I surround myself with teachers and I’m learning as I go with motherhood, especially to non-typical kids. I like to fix and build things. I get frustrated when I can't figure things out for myself, but master things at lightning speed when shown. I pay forward and pass that knowledge on.

I love my family, my friends, and my animals deeply.  I love music, film, storytelling, helping people, good coffee and bold flavoured food. I love wide open spaces and big skies.  I love to dance, I mean really dance, till dawn if I can. I love buying people books and suggesting people they should connect with. I love sending random song links to people because I think it reminds me of them or it would give them a much needed pick-me-up. If you really match my vibe, I will make you a bespoke playlist.*

I wear big earrings and bold clothes, they are an extension of me, an art form, a way to physically express creativity and mood. I’ve been known to change several times in one night at house parties.  I also am not great at packing light if I'm going to a city with endless possibilities, I morph into a slightly bohemian version of Carrie Bradshaw. Nomadic adventures however, I'm happy with a backpack and a charging block. 

I don't love dental treatment. Nor do I like tea, cheese or peas, rather unBritish of me. I've been known to change toilet rolls (that are placed the wrong way against the wall) around in peoples houses.  (Yes, there is a correct direction, which was a patented design, check it out, google is your friend there) 

I text a lot. I’m trying to get better at calling and voice notes, but I don't like the sound of my own voice, but I'm going to accept all the parts of myself I haven't loved for a while.. My handwriting is mostly illegible and my to do lists look more like spider maps than neat bullet points. 

I try to see the best in people, but I also don't suffer fools or fake friendships. You’ll know if I’m your friend or not. My heart is always on my sleeve. 

I appreciate my privacy and despite a bubbly personality can be quite introverted.

I sometimes can't deliver a joke because I’m laughing too hard at it. 

I’m generous, warm and slightly nuts. But that’s me and I don't know how to be anyone else.

I’m a virgo.

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*luckily some of these are on my Spotify account here  You’ll get a pretty good picture of me from that.

What I have realised throughout this process (and not just the last week, but the last few weeks) is that when I consciously acknowledge that I’ve been blocking and suppressing all kinds of feelings, actions and emotions to appear more normal, I’ve actually been cheating myself of the necessary processing to let go of all the pain and anger but also not permitting myself to feel and enjoy the joy and pleasure too. 

What I've also missed and am increasingly rectifying is human connection. Not just my immediate family but I’m also welcoming interactions with strangers and passersby, dog walkers and neighbours. Feeling more that I'm part of a community, not shut away in a tower. Also instigating time with the people who fill me up; who I learn from, who I laugh with, who inspire me, those who don’t judge and take me as I am; a little bit neuro-spicy but with a massive heart and wholesome intentions. So now I'm setting myself up on adulting playdates. The feelers have gone out, and plans have been made. I’m not channelling all my energy flow and verbal volcano into one or two people, I’m widening my circle. Yesterday evening I had a highly entertaining giggle on my friend’s overgrown allotment where we did no digging or weeding at all, we just laughed solidly for an hour and put the world to rights. She’s got a lot going on in her life too and felt good to listen and share. This morning I’ve arranged a wild walk with a friend I'd love to see more, but like many of the people I choose to spend my time with, everyone is juggling something, so I'm happy to take the small windows of time we get together with open arms. I’m seeing my ride-or-die roomie this weekend for a long overdue catch-up. Maybe it's the summer holidays coming to an end or people catching waves of my new vibe, but now people are reaching out to me and I'm making the time for these connections. This is the gas mask I'm putting on myself first for a change, after a summer of doing things for others. I’ve got a big day of connection lined up for Saturday with a community of women who are all on paths to change their corner of the world, whilst also dancing their troubles away. Totally me. Some more al-fresco day-rave dancing the following weekend. 

This month too, I’ve also got a pretty mega deadline looming as I prepare to launch the business I've been dreaming of for the last 4 years and finally had the courage to put it out there. It's a big, bold, beautiful brainchild that has sat with me and needed to see the light of day for a long time. It's coming and there’s still a lot of work to do. But it's exciting nonetheless. My dream is that it will open so many doors for opportunities to fund this Castello dream. So they can run side by side in harmony. It's a business I can run remotely, with a remote team, from anywhere in the world. Empowering people to make their dreams happen.. starting with mine. 

Lastly, my scrolling habits of late have been greatly reduced due to time spent building, creating, writing, caring, networking, fixing, sorting and child-wrangling, but I did have a small window of thumbing through this morning which uncorked some gems. Be it algorithms, Big Brother tapping into my mind or just universally coincidental. I’ve stumbled across some inspiration and I'm pulling on those strings to see where they lead me. I’ve signed up for a few healing events, a sound bath, and an energy workshop. I’m back to saying YES to things that serve me and my purpose. 

I'm ever the optimist but I do probably need to question other factors at play. What other changes have I made recently? Well, I’ve mentioned before that alcohol no longer has a prominent role in daily life. I've had a fairly energy-depleting summer, but I've still managed to get to the gym and kick in some endorphins when I really felt I needed them for my sanity. I’ve started religiously taking vitamins. I'm not great at remembering those, but after a bit of a shock on a recent blood test, those are now a much higher priority along with all the live bacteria stuff to counteract all the antibiotics I've had to take off late. I’ve also been getting my natural vitamin D with a double dose of fresh air and natural habitat. The other change is I've been home all summer, not escaping my routine, but improving it. I’ve rekindled a couple of friendships and made a couple of new ones. All feel good and with some water under the bridge now and I genuinely would love them to stay put; in touch and not disperse with geographic separation. As long as they don’t get put off by my random, sometimes full-on texting habits, we’ll be fine.

The other mahoosive change this week is in a dynamic at home. My daughter and I have taken our relationship to a different level. Again, not a huge shift in tact but just realised she’s not a baby anymore. I mean she’s not as grown up as she thinks she is and although we’ve always talked frankly, even since she was small (she has huge emotional intelligence) I’m not talking in sub-defused code anymore. Spades are spades. I’m not afraid of tackling the formerly red-flag subjects she’s dropping into conversations, like sex, alcohol, drugs, abuse, control, misogyny and other topics that I'd probably been trying to avoid along with my internal and uncomfortable red-flags. She’s been so receptive to these conversations and I feel a new type of bond forming. I’m all in for this. 

On top of this, my autistic son, who has huge issues with anxiety, friendships, and emotional regulation, came home from the park with 3 new friends the other day, and took himself off to their house for a play after. An hour later they asked if he could go to the social club with them, which he did. He came home on time, forever grateful for his opportunity in trust. My daughter and I just looked at each other in disbelief. It's like all our Christmases came at once. We’ve tried so long and hard to make him leave his comfort zone, but due to past experiences of rejection, he’s been hesitant to put himself out there. I’ve tried to get him to engage with people and interact and I think the time we’ve spent camping or befriending strangers on the beach you’ll never see again has taken him out of his shell a bit. He now has a best friend, a girl who he adores and who seems to get him. She doesn’t live close by though and getting them together as much as he would like is a challenge. He’s just made another friend who I feel could be a really solid find for him, equally neurodivergent and hyper, but they click and get each other and that's worth its weight in gold. It's making all the agonising rejection, frustration, social exclusion and bullying seem like a fading memory and I’m all in for this brave new world too. 

The other thing that has been happening this week, whether coincidental or not, is people keep telling me how amazing I look. I mean more than just one random friend. Complete strangers, family friends, my kids, old friends catching a glimpse of a story with no context, people I see every day but don’t know well. It’s super weird, I mean it feels good, but it’s been a while since I’ve felt noticed. Maybe I had just been ignoring compliments all along (I’m not great at taking them, much prefer dishing them out, same with gifts) or something has changed on a biological level. I do feel better in my body, but I also have noticed a change in my skin and my clothes. Ok, yes they are looser but I think it’s because I’ve been working hard this summer and haven’t felt the need to eat for the sake of it. I’ve only really eaten when I'm hungry and that’s been enough. But I’ve got into clothes I was holding onto for a decade because I loved them so much and knew one day I’d be able to wear them again (when does that ever happen?)  The human disco ball of an outfit I’ve been saving up for a proper wicked whirl also looks banging, as do my legs in it. I feel like I’m on fire and I’ve hit a new peak. I don’t despair when I look in the mirror. It’s fun seeing what I look like now in the clothes I’ve been saving for Sunday best, which is literally every day now, as I don’t see the point in letting these items gather dust. It’s true I’m not getting any younger but I just don’t feel quite fully grown or like I’m ageing yet either. Quite the opposite. I feel fully alive, almost a rebirth at a level when my body is still in its prime but my mind has the wisdom of a life well spent. 

I realise however, that I have let some time pass without opening myself up to another person on a deeply intimate level. All the people around me keep asking if I’m dating anyone. The answer is no. Not because I don’t want to, it’s just I’ve not met anyone I’ve connected with on my wavelength and I just don’t want to be anyone but me anymore, I’m tired of wearing masks and conforming. I mean there have been fleeting opportunities but nothing that had a true possibility to it. I need to connect on a deeper level, love language, food, music, values and energy. So in the absence of that, maybe I need to get a bit braver and find a no-strings friend or just get out more, which I am doing. The internet connection thing just doesn’t appeal, my space and time are too precious to me to waste kissing frogs. I feel like I've got my babe-ness back. My goddess of a bestie, my longest friendship in the world (born a week apart), who is literally the most geographically the furthest she could be from me, but still as close as ever; has been telling me to pull my finger out and be the sexy bitch I was born to be and show the world how amazing I am, but that bitch has been hidden for a loooooong time and unleashing a sexual volcano on the local vicinity seems terrifying. I think I'm more a private clandestine-lover type’o’gal.  

I’ve always said I’d rather be happy and single than live a miserable life dying inside. I’m in the world's smallest dating pool; rural area, single mum, neurodiverse kids, almost no budget for meals out and the typical dating fun, so it has to be organic and free. I just won't fall for superficiality or stupidity, I’m too intelligent to have a tolerance for bullshit or being played. I need to constantly evolve and learn, I need mental stimulation, I don't want to mother someone, and I’m done with narcissism. Someone who can take care of themselves. Someone independent who doesn't expect to spend every waking minute together. Someone who accepts that women’s bodies are meant to evolve with imperfections, yet still worships and pleasures it anyway. I need someone who doesn't get put off by my drive and ambition or intense or uncomfortable conversations, someone who values what I bring to the table, till then, I’m ok with eating alone. 

Universe… Do they exist? Not married, not gay. HMI..

When you think strategically about making your environment more cohesive and functional, unless you have a large pot to play with, you need to play a long game. I’ve been sitting on the next stage of our home improvements for a really, really long time, but it has got to a now-or-never point and I just dove straight in. The work is quite quick in comparison, it's the painting and cleaning and unpacking and purging and never-ending mounds of crap that have sentimental value that you just need to put your time into. Today, after a longer-than-expected wait, more pieces of the puzzle came closer together. We (a tri-generation combo of weakness, foibles and attitude)  managed to get a very large, old, antique Narnia-of-a-wardrobe up the stairs, much welly was needed. But it safely made it into my daughter's freshly decorated room, which after many moons of waiting she is ecstatic about and has made all the sweat and tears and hilarity worth it. The week that room was gutted was wonderful, because I had the best help. There was good banter and camaraderie sprinkled into the pipes, power and paint. That was no mean feat, and it was done with a bit of stress but also humour sprinkled in. Now the focus, which will probably have as much impact on her life as it does mine, means less stuff on the floor, instant calm #win It’s been a bit of a stretch on patience but worth it. 

We wrapped up the day with a wild swim and a fire. There is definitely something changing my perception of the monotony of motherhood, nothing seems too dreary and I'm not dreading everything I ‘have to do’. I’m doing it because I want to do it and I'm enjoying the moments I get as I do it. So I'm definitely in for this little magical experiment. Less than a week in and it's starting to be a much more obvious shift in life management.  

Day 6

I did not sleep well last night. Or maybe I did but I woke up before dawn slightly apprehensive about where the day would take me. Yesterday evening, just as I was scooping the kids out of the river with jittery teeth behind their invigorated smiles, I received a series of text messages that were really unpleasant. I just needed to not react. I knew more were coming, he always follows up the next day with a slight change of tact but still fairly brutal. I contemplated staying in bed and then realised I'd just be scrolling on my phone wasting time. I got up and en route to my desk, i looked up at a series of bright stars a waning moon, appreciating the sky in its full glory as the birds began stirring. Swallowing an earlier than usual dose, I cracked on with work while i knew I had a window of uninterrupted. Till a cheeky ping from another early bird, told me to get my shoes and underwear on (she knew full well I was contemplating staying  in my PJ’s)  as she knew I needed a proper march out with a walk’n’talk. I wasn't going to say no, It was such a beautiful morning and I was taken on a route I had not been on before. Much was said given my latest turn of events, decisions were made, but the best part was the tranquillity of a sunrise and a descent into the misty covered valley below. This buddy I walk with gets me, like most of my inner circle, she’s run off her feet busy most days, works her ass off and keeps her family in check. But when she can, she makes time and we have amazing and empowering conversations. I look forward to our little leg stretches when there's no-one there to interrupt us and we can be completely open and unhinged without judgement.

I had only planned to take 5 doses in a row and then have a gap for 2 days, but I actually feel that this is building up a certain level of security in my processing ability and enforcing my daily doses of nature. It will be interesting to experience a day without this in my system for comparison, but I'm not there yet. I’m a few days away from the kids going back to school. I have had my goalposts significantly moved for the next few days by a turn of events out of my control and I need to keep this focus and balance up. So I'm going back-to-back for a while till I get some peaceful windows in the day to put my mind to a ‘normal’ day. I honestly believe this is the key now to untapping the drive for Italy, so the hunt for where and how will soon begin. 

Well, you don't, obviously, but I’m a firm believer in intuition. Something in your gut tells you that you wouldn't have had that feeling unless something needed to be fulfilled, realised or be changed. It took me years of being bitterly unhappy (and bored) to realise these moments are actually a call to action. So now I listen, I take note, take stock and prioritise. They aren't all easy, some are painful even, but as long as the intentions are wholesome and kind, then they are worth it. Acting on intuition has made me the person I am today and given me hope where I had lost it. 

This one though is a big one. In fact so bloody big it's a mountain to climb rather than a hill to walk up, but deep down in my core I know I have to do it. There are risks, uncertainty but possibility of catastrophic failure but because I’ve seen the potential and possibility or a life-changing path to take, I am now 100% committed to doing what it takes to make it happen. By design, I surround myself with mentors and entrepreneurs who empower me, guide me to take action where needed and I’m now adding to this success squad by being coached, to map out this future and make it happen. It's a leap of faith. I’m designing the lifestyle of my dreams which also incorporates my passion and purpose, one step at a time. It's not greed based, it's not a materialistic desire, it's just a deep-rooted mission to help people whilst also securing a financial investment, even if its a slow-burner, for my children’s future and if it all goes tits up..? Well at least I tried. I’ll just have to start all over again and just fail better next time. But if all your eggs are in one basket, you do everything in your power to protect that basket. It's one of the biggest drivers. 

But why, you ask? Because this project just encapsulates everything I promised myself I would do in the deepest darkest moments of a brutal divorce. For myself, for my kids, for a lifelong adventure that would bring about a sustainable legacy for my kids, who I need to not only inspire but provide for financially. It gives me so many ticks in the boxes of my purpose to give courage and confidence to people coming out of trauma; with self-esteem issues, unfulfilled purpose, to allow people to grow in creativity, but most importantly the desire to educate people on self-care, self-worth, sustainability. For them to have a baggage-free sanctuary somewhere breathtaking and to unwind completely from the triggers of everyday life. And why do I think people need that? Because that's what I needed (and still need access to) to get me through my own trauma and I know I'm not alone. 

And where is all this going? Well, Italy. Tuscany to be precise. It all came from a brave moment when I finally secured a home for me to raise my kids in after a period of homelessness post-divorce. After I moved in, the house flooded. Boxes were ruined, the sofa was soaked, the ceiling had holes in it. You just can't make this shit up. I promised myself a seriously good break as soon as I possibly could to take stock of the new life I was setting out on alone. Not only to replenish the depletion of energy it took to fight in the battle of/for my life, but also to think about how I can move forward now and grow back to a whole person again from the shell I had become. 

It was all going beautifully to plan, time off secured, childcare in place, flights booked, until Covid halted all travel plans and any potential break dead in its tracks. I found myself grounded and trapped. The four-walls that had been my prize, my ultimate goal for the previous years of bitterness and sorrow, was now a prison, a torture cell, a place I needed to escape from. For two years! With no output, no support, things breaking left, right and centre. Including myself and the once close-nit bond I cherished with my kids. We all irritated each other. I had been so excited to have a house to make home. Free from all the toxicity we had been experiencing as a family of four before. Lockdown actually brought the worst out of all of us and generated more division than togetherness. I found that deeply upsetting. They didn't find it easy either. I thought I'd lost my mothering bond with my kids forever. We are still working on bringing that back now. 

I realised in order to be the best Mum I could be, some time for myself and personal space once in a while, was absolutely non-negotiable. I started to make some quiet time for myself to relax, but after a 5 year slog of single parenting, I also desperately needed to get a break for myself but wasn't sure how to swing it. It's never easy doing this alone, trying to keep a house ticking over whilst also working, but add in a highly-reliant, neurodiverse son and a hormonal pre-teen girl in the mix, and you might start scratching the tip of the iceberg.

Once the lockdowns eased, I decided to say YES to everything. Anything exciting, any adventure. Anything fun. As long as I could keep working and my kids were looked after. 

I got two little doses of freedom in the space of a month. First was an invitation to a gold-dust opportunity to hang out with my friends (and their band) in Ibiza for a really special milestone weekend. It just happened to coincide with a weekend my ex had the kids, so I had the time. The cost was minimal in comparison to what it could have been, given I had a flight voucher to use up. I would also be included in the guest lists for VIP treatment so I was in a very privileged position, how could I say no? Of course I had the time of my life, but that's for another story. 

The second came in quick succession to my little balearic break. I was invited to help a friend with some work at her place in Italy. It certainly wasn't a holiday, but more a business trip with a much needed change of scenery. I worked my ass off that week, but what it taught me was that it was possible to still keep up work commitments without being chained to your home office. But another nugget of gold fell in my lap that week too. The overhearing of conversation with huge potential. This beautiful and historic village had a borgo of historic buildings up for sale at very unimaginable prices. The landowner just didn't want the responsibility of maintaining them anymore and had sold most of the properties to a couple who live and run holiday lets and retreats in the village and their friends. All but one. The biggest and most prominent of the buildings. It was a monster of a house and so utterly striking that I couldn't help but let it pique my interest.

Earlier that year, realising my financial outcome, swimming around the same fishbowl routine of living hand-to-mouth was never going to change… unless I did something to fix it that is. I did a course in wealth building, where I learned to secure a future for myself. I either had to cut back on what already seemed like a frugal life, or find a way to invest anything I could get my hands on and multiply it. I had my sights on the latter option. It was a seed that I planted and was waiting for the rain to come..

The rain came in Italy. 

Yes, this building was in need of a lot of repairs, a new roof and replacing some floors in fact but in a few months time I would have the money I need to purchase it from a delayed payment from my grandmother's estate. Sure I could spend that money fixing up the rest of my partially finished home-renovations. But actually, I wanted to honour my financially-savvy grandmother, by investing this money into something I could grow. Something I could multiply. We’re not talking life changing money here, it wouldn't be enough to put even cover stamp-duty on a starter home in the UK, but conveniently, it could buy me a castle-sized house in Italy. Not only to renovate as a long term property investment, but it could also facilitate my dream of running a creative & wellness retreat centre, therefore also be a golden egg on both income but also purpose, converting it to a profitable business.

Sure, I'm going to need big-girl-pants to secure some initial bold investment, namely using my home, my only current basket of eggs, as security. But, if you speak to anyone about breaking fear barriers or taking risks, you always need to ask yourself “What is the absolute worst thing that could happen”? Once you can accept that answer, you can commit to it.  Obviously losing my home in my worst case scenario, but taking the biggest risk imaginable will force me to not fail. 

But, thankfully what happened next saved me as much as it did break me. The road, the one with all the bumps, suddenly became catastrophically unnavigable. I burnt out from the overwhelming stress of overworking and over-parenting, neither by choice, just because there was nobody else to do it. Shit got really real. I was signed off work, a job I loved but eventually left because I just wasn't able to commit to it as much as I was needed. My family had to come first. Around this time, I had news that the Tuscan property I was doing everything to secure had some legal complications attached to it, and as painful as that was I had to let it go. So I went back to the drawing board, picked up the pieces of my life and began building a more sustainable way of working, with flexibility to allow myself the time to equally focus on my family. Despite my best efforts to look after myself, I got sick again. Hospitalised. Complete physical reset on top of the mental one I had just recovered from. Universe was definitely sending me a message. The money I had put aside to buy my castle suddenly became very useful elsewhere, supporting me while I recovered from exhaustion, from surgery, from pneumonia. A marathon of surviving and existing not living. I was grateful for the heavenly support my grandmother had sent me, she kept me and my family alive for a year. In that time I had a lot of headspace to carve a new dream, with a new road and this is where I find myself today. I’m on a new path, recently carved.

I’m letting in some pain, not numbing it. I’m expressing emotions again, warts and all, without fear of what people think. I’m experimenting with a more natural flow of energy, embracing a more organic nutritional journey. I’m going full elemental, embracing the world in all its beauty. Walking at dawn, wild swimming at sunset, eating an apple straight from the tree, feeling my feet in the grass. This might not be a revelation to some, but for this hamster, it feels so amazing to get off the wheel and have some adventures. 

So, now on the horizon, there is a new mountain to conquer. Just like the man brave enough to sweep me off my feet is out there, I truly feel the place I will fall in love with exists already, I just need to be brave and go find it. So this will be the story of that journey and you dear reader have permission to keep me on track and keep accountable,  and when things inevitably get rough, please remind me why.. (from my first text to my ride-or-die bestie when I decided I was going to do this) “I want an adventure of a lifetime, an investment for my kids, a place to help people grow creatively, emotionally, in confidence and in their souls, without all the baggage. A home from home. A space where everyone is welcome and there is always a seat at the table.” 

This is me, unleashing my authenticity and bravado. Living my best life, in a big and bold way. Who knows where this will end up, but I'm guiding myself on my own journey of empathetic encouragement for courage, passion and purpose..which is what I want to offer my clients when the doors open. Practice doesn't make it perfect but it does make things possible. 
I have a rock-solid vision of what I can make this place into. But how on earth do I make that happen? You’re going to have to keep reading to find out...

It was a long, loud and busy day. I worked at an exhibition with masses of people and animals. Usually, I would be riddled with boredom and anxiety for standing up all day and turning on the charm, but nothing phased me. I was more present and alert (it certainly wasn't the revolting overpriced coffee). There was nothing too stimulating to report, but I didn't feel the usual performance panic or need to collapse when I got home. It could too be my body adjusting to a low-booze life, I think that has certainly boosted my energy levels. But the test yesterday was to be around a lot of people and try and notice all interactions. What I did notice was that my listening got more active. I could follow and engage in conversations, much easier than I normally do. I need to read more about the effects of microdosing on an ADHD brain, but the primary reason for my journey with this is to try and alter my trajectory with PTSD. I don't want to keep upping the meds every time life gets more brutal.  Lots of content ideas and stories I want to share, bubbling to the surface so I’m making a list of stuff and using my focus to figure out what order to share things in.

Day Three

Another day waking up in a quiet house. I do ask myself if all this untapped focus and drive comes from having the freedom and space to crack on. I’d like to think this drive is all me, but I do believe in magic and pixie dust and whether this is a placebo effect or the real deal, I'm getting shit done. There are no visible psychedelics or even slight twinges. I’m content and calm,  I'm noticing sounds more, I'm more spatially aware, walks are slightly more ethereal, but again, that could be my mood. I do not feel pressured or stressed in any way. Who knows. The kids are back tomorrow and I'd like to think I can roll with this vibe a little longer. The proof will be in the pudding… Oh yeah, the impromptu chocolate mousse I made today just because. I don't usually do that often either. 

Day Four

Part One: My babies are back today. It's been a blissful window of calm but that’s undoubtedly about to change, I feel I can find patience and playfulness again and embrace the joy in a child's face. My daughter doesn't think she’s a child anymore, maybe because her body is so adult, but I can see history repeating itself in her and whereas I’m conflicted about preparing her for adulthood in a protective way, I'm also keen for her to learn the mistakes for herself. I do need to connect with her more and trust her. She can be pretty intense, duh, I can too, but I've had years to master my calm and only show the fire within in a controlled and considered way. The teenage brain baffles me, even though my memories of it are all quite vivid. There were no phones as a child or social media when I was a teen, we met up in person when we said we would and we got our kicks elsewhere. Her interest in topics way above her paygrade scare me a bit. But I'm open to exploring those fears, with more conversations and time spent together. I'll come back to this later once my day has passed and reflect… 

Part Two: Everything was going so well till I had a call from social services about an incident that happened with my son while he was at my ex’s. I can tell from past experience that the kids and I are now in for a bumpy ride, when he gets wind of this we’ll need to check our seatbelts are secure. Ordinarily, on days like these, I would get lost in my head, get angry, and resentful. I’d probably pour a glass of wine before supper and muddle through the evening till I was tired enough to sleep. I didn't do that today. I accepted this new turn of events, I acknowledged that I was going to need some extra focus to process. I didn’t cancel my spin class, took my kids with me to the gym, and my eldest took herself into the gym for a workout. Something she is new to, but loves. My son opted for a swim, which he did happily and befriended some kids, which is not usually his forte. I got my pedal-like-a-nutter time in and the endorphins did the rest. Sure, there’s a bit more than I wanted in my head to wrestle with at the moment, but time, practicality and diplomacy tend to work its magic. Tomorrow is always a fresh start. 

I got so much work done, I also decided that it was the only time to gut the upper floor of my house and make as much dusty mess as humanly possible. Yet, I still had energy, and I didn’t have doubts and I didn’t have fears. I exercised, I danced, I laughed. So coming out the other end of that, especially with the kids return looming, I was determined to not drink for a while. And that I did. I poured myself a glass of wine yesterday and I only needed a few sips. I didn't even finish the glass. I want to get to a place where I am not urged to drink the minute the shit hits the fan, but more savour the odd glass, here and there. Is that even possible in today’s systemic society. Every greeting card mentions prosecco or gin. You can’t escape the culture or stigma of being sober-curious or tee-total easily.

As a historical hedonist, I'm not blinkered to the world of narcotics, both herbal and synthetic. I’ve been hearing about microdosing for years and I’m a recent convert to functional mushrooms in my daily coffee. It wasn't until a friendly wizard waltzed into my life recently and by a chance conversation was bequeathed a 3 month supply. How could I say no?

So at my desk, I've been for the last few hours, setting up this blog and social accounts and registering everything. Writing 3 articles, a series of welcome emails and a dedicated Spotify account (as there is always a soundtrack to journeys like these). I’m not likely to blast off in an explosion across the internet, I just want a few key people to keep in touch via the channels they feel most comfortable with, so I had to go across the board to keep them all content.

It felt good though. Spinning my way through tech-wormholes at speed and listening to reggae. The blog is about my first failed attempt to buy a majestic looking pad in Italy, convert it into a rentable holiday home for summer income and then host wellness and healing retreats out of season. Hopefully spending Christmas there with my family and catching a boxing day ski in honour of my Dad, who’s birthday it is, and who is still at the age of 84 my ski buddy. I found the perfect one back in 2022 and I oddly had the money to buy it, but bureaucracy got the better of me and if you've read my other posts, you’ll know I was actually fortunate in hindsight.

So now after some coincidental inspiration, I am back on the road to Italy, to find a suitable Castello fit for a queen (me obvs.)

Once I finished my tech tunnel, I noticed the rain had stopped and the sun was out to play. The dog was bored and outside was calling. Everything was bright and glistening. There was a gentle summer breeze and no-one was about to cross paths with.

Now this is me, back here at my desk to wrap up a day of micro-balance, micro-joy and micro-calm. I think this is going to work. 

What’s your creative output? You may not be an artist or a photographer, poet or culinary concocter, or a decor-do-over, but I'm sure you have something deep inside that likes some colour, flavour or sparkle to it? I have many creative passions, but the one I’m building some pride around right now is communication in the written word. My efforts are by no means perfect, but I at least like to take care and effort in my writing. These days it's typically limited to text banter with friends about funny stories, adventures, or empowerment, goals, ideas or how engaged I am in this project.  I’m also a lover of writing letters, nice long ones where your soul pours into the ink.  I’ve often found that easier than communicating face to face, because despite some big ideas and brave moves in my life, I'm actually quite shy and there has been fear about letting down walls and people seeing directly into my soul. Especially around those I admire, respect or attracted to, I’m more comfortable in their shadows and don't want to look like a complete fool, imposter syndrome is ever present in my headspace.

It's scary thinking about sharing my deepest thoughts about myself with strangers I have no connection to. It's why until now I've kept my circle small. Telling the truths that I'd perfected hiding. But how can I empower people to find their courage and confidence if I'm not willing to do it myself?  After years of being isolated and hidden, I've embraced the freedom for all for personal connection, it's now my fuel. I've opened up to connecting, shown up for people, just like old friends and new acquaintances have shown up for me in my life and at the most opportune moments. Like the universe was sending me a clear message. Even new people, that ordinarily would not have crossed my path have and have delivered some beauty and knowledge that has made a lasting impact. A bond was created almost instantly, because I was just myself and had the confidence to risk being open, and it didn’t floor me, quite the opposite. When telling one of these new friends about my big plans, he said, “You need to journal this, write about the ups and downs, people want to dream of having a pony or a unicorn or a castle. Write your story, the pitfalls and failures, the success and celebrations. Engage with people who could end up being your clients.” That was two years ago, before all the bumps and I've sat on my disappointment and felt my despair. I was grateful for the lessons and hopeful for the silver linings that allowed me to keep focus.

I had never journaled as an adult, because my mother once read my diary as a teenager and it forever tainted the joy of pouring feelings onto paper. Besides, my handwriting is illegible. I perfected bottling it up in my head., over thinking and then being a social volcano. Especially in my failing marriage. Fear of exposure, being seen and then humiliated for wanting a life more joyful and exciting that I had accepted and succumbed to. Wanting to be treated as an equal and with respect, rather than resented and degraded. Wanting to escape emotional coercion, financial control and isolation. Yup, I was good at that, and managed to hang on silently for 13 years. But when I decided I couldn't do it for even one day longer, things changed.  I gave up a life of containment with consequences for a much richer life with absolutely nothing but my kids and my perseverance.

After the tears dried up and the panic turned to action, I got so much better at sharing. Sometimes to people who didn't care. You soon learn that they aren't the people for you. The ones who did let me pour it all out, are the keepers; my confidantes, friends for life, ride-or-dies, the people I choose above all others to spend my very precious free time with now.

So maybe I could be brave again? A new level of bravery. Exposing my deepest thoughts and fear of failure to complete strangers on a very public level? But share it, just as I would tell my friends? Mmmm.. needed to give that some thought.

The dream was to invest in a legacy for my kids but also a lifelong dream to have a second base in a warmer climate with views and food to die for. After I found the bricks and mortar to plant the seeds of my dreams, I came home and began the process of making it happen, despite many people thinking I was delusional. So I sat on the idea for a month, then challenges kept hitting, shit started happening that was out of my control. The building came with a whole series of complicated and expensive time-sensitive commitments. I overloaded my capacity to pull it off. Alongside some embarrassment from telling people how committed I was to making this happen, work and home life also presented some significant complications. I wasn't a victim of anything, but just a series of loud and clear messages told me to let this one go and then find another option when I was more prepared. So, now I find myself back at the beginning, a second beginning, a do-over. With no time pressures, just a dream to realise.  Storytelling is part of life, this is the start of my sequel. With some reflections on how I got here, why I need to do this, and I realised sharing this process and story is key to keeping the dream alive and on track. So I have accountability for this process and story. To remind myself why it's so important for me to do. Who I’m doing it for.  And take anyone who is interested in trauma recovery, through the ashes of my own rebirth. As a whole human being, with self-love, on a mission to rebuild other people's lives as I have my own. Through any tool necessary to get them there. Healing, listening, wellness, screaming it all out, dancing, learning something new, interacting with people in-person, dealing with the post-lockdown hangover, death and loss, finding love in the most unexpected ways, spreading wings again, breaking down the walls of fear or just a well earned break from the hamster wheel of life. So now it's time… I know it's going to be my lifeline getting through this mammoth mission. Especially when the bumps or the road forks come up thick and fast. So here is the story of my journey, with my crown straightened up, the road to castello, warts and all…it's all raw, unfiltered and as it flows… 

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