What I have realised throughout this process (and not just the last week, but the last few weeks) is that when I consciously acknowledge that I’ve been blocking and suppressing all kinds of feelings, actions and emotions to appear more normal, I’ve actually been cheating myself of the necessary processing to let go of all the pain and anger but also not permitting myself to feel and enjoy the joy and pleasure too. 

What I've also missed and am increasingly rectifying is human connection. Not just my immediate family but I’m also welcoming interactions with strangers and passersby, dog walkers and neighbours. Feeling more that I'm part of a community, not shut away in a tower. Also instigating time with the people who fill me up; who I learn from, who I laugh with, who inspire me, those who don’t judge and take me as I am; a little bit neuro-spicy but with a massive heart and wholesome intentions. So now I'm setting myself up on adulting playdates. The feelers have gone out, and plans have been made. I’m not channelling all my energy flow and verbal volcano into one or two people, I’m widening my circle. Yesterday evening I had a highly entertaining giggle on my friend’s overgrown allotment where we did no digging or weeding at all, we just laughed solidly for an hour and put the world to rights. She’s got a lot going on in her life too and felt good to listen and share. This morning I’ve arranged a wild walk with a friend I'd love to see more, but like many of the people I choose to spend my time with, everyone is juggling something, so I'm happy to take the small windows of time we get together with open arms. I’m seeing my ride-or-die roomie this weekend for a long overdue catch-up. Maybe it's the summer holidays coming to an end or people catching waves of my new vibe, but now people are reaching out to me and I'm making the time for these connections. This is the gas mask I'm putting on myself first for a change, after a summer of doing things for others. I’ve got a big day of connection lined up for Saturday with a community of women who are all on paths to change their corner of the world, whilst also dancing their troubles away. Totally me. Some more al-fresco day-rave dancing the following weekend. 

This month too, I’ve also got a pretty mega deadline looming as I prepare to launch the business I've been dreaming of for the last 4 years and finally had the courage to put it out there. It's a big, bold, beautiful brainchild that has sat with me and needed to see the light of day for a long time. It's coming and there’s still a lot of work to do. But it's exciting nonetheless. My dream is that it will open so many doors for opportunities to fund this Castello dream. So they can run side by side in harmony. It's a business I can run remotely, with a remote team, from anywhere in the world. Empowering people to make their dreams happen.. starting with mine. 

Lastly, my scrolling habits of late have been greatly reduced due to time spent building, creating, writing, caring, networking, fixing, sorting and child-wrangling, but I did have a small window of thumbing through this morning which uncorked some gems. Be it algorithms, Big Brother tapping into my mind or just universally coincidental. I’ve stumbled across some inspiration and I'm pulling on those strings to see where they lead me. I’ve signed up for a few healing events, a sound bath, and an energy workshop. I’m back to saying YES to things that serve me and my purpose. 

I'm ever the optimist but I do probably need to question other factors at play. What other changes have I made recently? Well, I’ve mentioned before that alcohol no longer has a prominent role in daily life. I've had a fairly energy-depleting summer, but I've still managed to get to the gym and kick in some endorphins when I really felt I needed them for my sanity. I’ve started religiously taking vitamins. I'm not great at remembering those, but after a bit of a shock on a recent blood test, those are now a much higher priority along with all the live bacteria stuff to counteract all the antibiotics I've had to take off late. I’ve also been getting my natural vitamin D with a double dose of fresh air and natural habitat. The other change is I've been home all summer, not escaping my routine, but improving it. I’ve rekindled a couple of friendships and made a couple of new ones. All feel good and with some water under the bridge now and I genuinely would love them to stay put; in touch and not disperse with geographic separation. As long as they don’t get put off by my random, sometimes full-on texting habits, we’ll be fine.

The other mahoosive change this week is in a dynamic at home. My daughter and I have taken our relationship to a different level. Again, not a huge shift in tact but just realised she’s not a baby anymore. I mean she’s not as grown up as she thinks she is and although we’ve always talked frankly, even since she was small (she has huge emotional intelligence) I’m not talking in sub-defused code anymore. Spades are spades. I’m not afraid of tackling the formerly red-flag subjects she’s dropping into conversations, like sex, alcohol, drugs, abuse, control, misogyny and other topics that I'd probably been trying to avoid along with my internal and uncomfortable red-flags. She’s been so receptive to these conversations and I feel a new type of bond forming. I’m all in for this. 

On top of this, my autistic son, who has huge issues with anxiety, friendships, and emotional regulation, came home from the park with 3 new friends the other day, and took himself off to their house for a play after. An hour later they asked if he could go to the social club with them, which he did. He came home on time, forever grateful for his opportunity in trust. My daughter and I just looked at each other in disbelief. It's like all our Christmases came at once. We’ve tried so long and hard to make him leave his comfort zone, but due to past experiences of rejection, he’s been hesitant to put himself out there. I’ve tried to get him to engage with people and interact and I think the time we’ve spent camping or befriending strangers on the beach you’ll never see again has taken him out of his shell a bit. He now has a best friend, a girl who he adores and who seems to get him. She doesn’t live close by though and getting them together as much as he would like is a challenge. He’s just made another friend who I feel could be a really solid find for him, equally neurodivergent and hyper, but they click and get each other and that's worth its weight in gold. It's making all the agonising rejection, frustration, social exclusion and bullying seem like a fading memory and I’m all in for this brave new world too. 

The other thing that has been happening this week, whether coincidental or not, is people keep telling me how amazing I look. I mean more than just one random friend. Complete strangers, family friends, my kids, old friends catching a glimpse of a story with no context, people I see every day but don’t know well. It’s super weird, I mean it feels good, but it’s been a while since I’ve felt noticed. Maybe I had just been ignoring compliments all along (I’m not great at taking them, much prefer dishing them out, same with gifts) or something has changed on a biological level. I do feel better in my body, but I also have noticed a change in my skin and my clothes. Ok, yes they are looser but I think it’s because I’ve been working hard this summer and haven’t felt the need to eat for the sake of it. I’ve only really eaten when I'm hungry and that’s been enough. But I’ve got into clothes I was holding onto for a decade because I loved them so much and knew one day I’d be able to wear them again (when does that ever happen?)  The human disco ball of an outfit I’ve been saving up for a proper wicked whirl also looks banging, as do my legs in it. I feel like I’m on fire and I’ve hit a new peak. I don’t despair when I look in the mirror. It’s fun seeing what I look like now in the clothes I’ve been saving for Sunday best, which is literally every day now, as I don’t see the point in letting these items gather dust. It’s true I’m not getting any younger but I just don’t feel quite fully grown or like I’m ageing yet either. Quite the opposite. I feel fully alive, almost a rebirth at a level when my body is still in its prime but my mind has the wisdom of a life well spent. 

I realise however, that I have let some time pass without opening myself up to another person on a deeply intimate level. All the people around me keep asking if I’m dating anyone. The answer is no. Not because I don’t want to, it’s just I’ve not met anyone I’ve connected with on my wavelength and I just don’t want to be anyone but me anymore, I’m tired of wearing masks and conforming. I mean there have been fleeting opportunities but nothing that had a true possibility to it. I need to connect on a deeper level, love language, food, music, values and energy. So in the absence of that, maybe I need to get a bit braver and find a no-strings friend or just get out more, which I am doing. The internet connection thing just doesn’t appeal, my space and time are too precious to me to waste kissing frogs. I feel like I've got my babe-ness back. My goddess of a bestie, my longest friendship in the world (born a week apart), who is literally the most geographically the furthest she could be from me, but still as close as ever; has been telling me to pull my finger out and be the sexy bitch I was born to be and show the world how amazing I am, but that bitch has been hidden for a loooooong time and unleashing a sexual volcano on the local vicinity seems terrifying. I think I'm more a private clandestine-lover type’o’gal.  

I’ve always said I’d rather be happy and single than live a miserable life dying inside. I’m in the world's smallest dating pool; rural area, single mum, neurodiverse kids, almost no budget for meals out and the typical dating fun, so it has to be organic and free. I just won't fall for superficiality or stupidity, I’m too intelligent to have a tolerance for bullshit or being played. I need to constantly evolve and learn, I need mental stimulation, I don't want to mother someone, and I’m done with narcissism. Someone who can take care of themselves. Someone independent who doesn't expect to spend every waking minute together. Someone who accepts that women’s bodies are meant to evolve with imperfections, yet still worships and pleasures it anyway. I need someone who doesn't get put off by my drive and ambition or intense or uncomfortable conversations, someone who values what I bring to the table, till then, I’m ok with eating alone. 

Universe… Do they exist? Not married, not gay. HMI..

When you think strategically about making your environment more cohesive and functional, unless you have a large pot to play with, you need to play a long game. I’ve been sitting on the next stage of our home improvements for a really, really long time, but it has got to a now-or-never point and I just dove straight in. The work is quite quick in comparison, it's the painting and cleaning and unpacking and purging and never-ending mounds of crap that have sentimental value that you just need to put your time into. Today, after a longer-than-expected wait, more pieces of the puzzle came closer together. We (a tri-generation combo of weakness, foibles and attitude)  managed to get a very large, old, antique Narnia-of-a-wardrobe up the stairs, much welly was needed. But it safely made it into my daughter's freshly decorated room, which after many moons of waiting she is ecstatic about and has made all the sweat and tears and hilarity worth it. The week that room was gutted was wonderful, because I had the best help. There was good banter and camaraderie sprinkled into the pipes, power and paint. That was no mean feat, and it was done with a bit of stress but also humour sprinkled in. Now the focus, which will probably have as much impact on her life as it does mine, means less stuff on the floor, instant calm #win It’s been a bit of a stretch on patience but worth it. 

We wrapped up the day with a wild swim and a fire. There is definitely something changing my perception of the monotony of motherhood, nothing seems too dreary and I'm not dreading everything I ‘have to do’. I’m doing it because I want to do it and I'm enjoying the moments I get as I do it. So I'm definitely in for this little magical experiment. Less than a week in and it's starting to be a much more obvious shift in life management.  

Day 6

I did not sleep well last night. Or maybe I did but I woke up before dawn slightly apprehensive about where the day would take me. Yesterday evening, just as I was scooping the kids out of the river with jittery teeth behind their invigorated smiles, I received a series of text messages that were really unpleasant. I just needed to not react. I knew more were coming, he always follows up the next day with a slight change of tact but still fairly brutal. I contemplated staying in bed and then realised I'd just be scrolling on my phone wasting time. I got up and en route to my desk, i looked up at a series of bright stars a waning moon, appreciating the sky in its full glory as the birds began stirring. Swallowing an earlier than usual dose, I cracked on with work while i knew I had a window of uninterrupted. Till a cheeky ping from another early bird, told me to get my shoes and underwear on (she knew full well I was contemplating staying  in my PJ’s)  as she knew I needed a proper march out with a walk’n’talk. I wasn't going to say no, It was such a beautiful morning and I was taken on a route I had not been on before. Much was said given my latest turn of events, decisions were made, but the best part was the tranquillity of a sunrise and a descent into the misty covered valley below. This buddy I walk with gets me, like most of my inner circle, she’s run off her feet busy most days, works her ass off and keeps her family in check. But when she can, she makes time and we have amazing and empowering conversations. I look forward to our little leg stretches when there's no-one there to interrupt us and we can be completely open and unhinged without judgement.

I had only planned to take 5 doses in a row and then have a gap for 2 days, but I actually feel that this is building up a certain level of security in my processing ability and enforcing my daily doses of nature. It will be interesting to experience a day without this in my system for comparison, but I'm not there yet. I’m a few days away from the kids going back to school. I have had my goalposts significantly moved for the next few days by a turn of events out of my control and I need to keep this focus and balance up. So I'm going back-to-back for a while till I get some peaceful windows in the day to put my mind to a ‘normal’ day. I honestly believe this is the key now to untapping the drive for Italy, so the hunt for where and how will soon begin. 

It was a long, loud and busy day. I worked at an exhibition with masses of people and animals. Usually, I would be riddled with boredom and anxiety for standing up all day and turning on the charm, but nothing phased me. I was more present and alert (it certainly wasn't the revolting overpriced coffee). There was nothing too stimulating to report, but I didn't feel the usual performance panic or need to collapse when I got home. It could too be my body adjusting to a low-booze life, I think that has certainly boosted my energy levels. But the test yesterday was to be around a lot of people and try and notice all interactions. What I did notice was that my listening got more active. I could follow and engage in conversations, much easier than I normally do. I need to read more about the effects of microdosing on an ADHD brain, but the primary reason for my journey with this is to try and alter my trajectory with PTSD. I don't want to keep upping the meds every time life gets more brutal.  Lots of content ideas and stories I want to share, bubbling to the surface so I’m making a list of stuff and using my focus to figure out what order to share things in.

Day Three

Another day waking up in a quiet house. I do ask myself if all this untapped focus and drive comes from having the freedom and space to crack on. I’d like to think this drive is all me, but I do believe in magic and pixie dust and whether this is a placebo effect or the real deal, I'm getting shit done. There are no visible psychedelics or even slight twinges. I’m content and calm,  I'm noticing sounds more, I'm more spatially aware, walks are slightly more ethereal, but again, that could be my mood. I do not feel pressured or stressed in any way. Who knows. The kids are back tomorrow and I'd like to think I can roll with this vibe a little longer. The proof will be in the pudding… Oh yeah, the impromptu chocolate mousse I made today just because. I don't usually do that often either. 

Day Four

Part One: My babies are back today. It's been a blissful window of calm but that’s undoubtedly about to change, I feel I can find patience and playfulness again and embrace the joy in a child's face. My daughter doesn't think she’s a child anymore, maybe because her body is so adult, but I can see history repeating itself in her and whereas I’m conflicted about preparing her for adulthood in a protective way, I'm also keen for her to learn the mistakes for herself. I do need to connect with her more and trust her. She can be pretty intense, duh, I can too, but I've had years to master my calm and only show the fire within in a controlled and considered way. The teenage brain baffles me, even though my memories of it are all quite vivid. There were no phones as a child or social media when I was a teen, we met up in person when we said we would and we got our kicks elsewhere. Her interest in topics way above her paygrade scare me a bit. But I'm open to exploring those fears, with more conversations and time spent together. I'll come back to this later once my day has passed and reflect… 

Part Two: Everything was going so well till I had a call from social services about an incident that happened with my son while he was at my ex’s. I can tell from past experience that the kids and I are now in for a bumpy ride, when he gets wind of this we’ll need to check our seatbelts are secure. Ordinarily, on days like these, I would get lost in my head, get angry, and resentful. I’d probably pour a glass of wine before supper and muddle through the evening till I was tired enough to sleep. I didn't do that today. I accepted this new turn of events, I acknowledged that I was going to need some extra focus to process. I didn’t cancel my spin class, took my kids with me to the gym, and my eldest took herself into the gym for a workout. Something she is new to, but loves. My son opted for a swim, which he did happily and befriended some kids, which is not usually his forte. I got my pedal-like-a-nutter time in and the endorphins did the rest. Sure, there’s a bit more than I wanted in my head to wrestle with at the moment, but time, practicality and diplomacy tend to work its magic. Tomorrow is always a fresh start. 

I got so much work done, I also decided that it was the only time to gut the upper floor of my house and make as much dusty mess as humanly possible. Yet, I still had energy, and I didn’t have doubts and I didn’t have fears. I exercised, I danced, I laughed. So coming out the other end of that, especially with the kids return looming, I was determined to not drink for a while. And that I did. I poured myself a glass of wine yesterday and I only needed a few sips. I didn't even finish the glass. I want to get to a place where I am not urged to drink the minute the shit hits the fan, but more savour the odd glass, here and there. Is that even possible in today’s systemic society. Every greeting card mentions prosecco or gin. You can’t escape the culture or stigma of being sober-curious or tee-total easily.

As a historical hedonist, I'm not blinkered to the world of narcotics, both herbal and synthetic. I’ve been hearing about microdosing for years and I’m a recent convert to functional mushrooms in my daily coffee. It wasn't until a friendly wizard waltzed into my life recently and by a chance conversation was bequeathed a 3 month supply. How could I say no?

So at my desk, I've been for the last few hours, setting up this blog and social accounts and registering everything. Writing 3 articles, a series of welcome emails and a dedicated Spotify account (as there is always a soundtrack to journeys like these). I’m not likely to blast off in an explosion across the internet, I just want a few key people to keep in touch via the channels they feel most comfortable with, so I had to go across the board to keep them all content.

It felt good though. Spinning my way through tech-wormholes at speed and listening to reggae. The blog is about my first failed attempt to buy a majestic looking pad in Italy, convert it into a rentable holiday home for summer income and then host wellness and healing retreats out of season. Hopefully spending Christmas there with my family and catching a boxing day ski in honour of my Dad, who’s birthday it is, and who is still at the age of 84 my ski buddy. I found the perfect one back in 2022 and I oddly had the money to buy it, but bureaucracy got the better of me and if you've read my other posts, you’ll know I was actually fortunate in hindsight.

So now after some coincidental inspiration, I am back on the road to Italy, to find a suitable Castello fit for a queen (me obvs.)

Once I finished my tech tunnel, I noticed the rain had stopped and the sun was out to play. The dog was bored and outside was calling. Everything was bright and glistening. There was a gentle summer breeze and no-one was about to cross paths with.

Now this is me, back here at my desk to wrap up a day of micro-balance, micro-joy and micro-calm. I think this is going to work.