Day 5
Ok, so as days go, this one got a bit harder but also not as hard as expected. Having found joy in the most mundane of chores and calm in my ordinary chaos of late, I'm pretty sure the factors I've put in place on this micro-journey are all adding up to make life just that bit more manageable. However, when you have a bulldozing day hit, with new time-sensitive challenges, some difficult conversations, a load of intense work, money issues and to top it all off some over-reactionary threatening texts from my ex threatening to take me to court, again. It can get a bit too much to cope with. It's easiest to bottle it up or uncork a bottle, but I've made these changes in lifestyle for a reason and I need to see it through. What takes the most energy, however, is not to rise to it, but also a lot of control not to sink down either. It's so easy to spiral when events like this crop up. Which seems to happen frequently to us, when all this upset is unnecessary if you actually put the work into your kids and give them what they need, not what you want.
When you think strategically about making your environment more cohesive and functional, unless you have a large pot to play with, you need to play a long game. I’ve been sitting on the next stage of our home improvements for a really, really long time, but it has got to a now-or-never point and I just dove straight in. The work is quite quick in comparison, it's the painting and cleaning and unpacking and purging and never-ending mounds of crap that have sentimental value that you just need to put your time into. Today, after a longer-than-expected wait, more pieces of the puzzle came closer together. We (a tri-generation combo of weakness, foibles and attitude) managed to get a very large, old, antique Narnia-of-a-wardrobe up the stairs, much welly was needed. But it safely made it into my daughter's freshly decorated room, which after many moons of waiting she is ecstatic about and has made all the sweat and tears and hilarity worth it. The week that room was gutted was wonderful, because I had the best help. There was good banter and camaraderie sprinkled into the pipes, power and paint. That was no mean feat, and it was done with a bit of stress but also humour sprinkled in. Now the focus, which will probably have as much impact on her life as it does mine, means less stuff on the floor, instant calm #win It’s been a bit of a stretch on patience but worth it.
We wrapped up the day with a wild swim and a fire. There is definitely something changing my perception of the monotony of motherhood, nothing seems too dreary and I'm not dreading everything I ‘have to do’. I’m doing it because I want to do it and I'm enjoying the moments I get as I do it. So I'm definitely in for this little magical experiment. Less than a week in and it's starting to be a much more obvious shift in life management.
Day 6
I did not sleep well last night. Or maybe I did but I woke up before dawn slightly apprehensive about where the day would take me. Yesterday evening, just as I was scooping the kids out of the river with jittery teeth behind their invigorated smiles, I received a series of text messages that were really unpleasant. I just needed to not react. I knew more were coming, he always follows up the next day with a slight change of tact but still fairly brutal. I contemplated staying in bed and then realised I'd just be scrolling on my phone wasting time. I got up and en route to my desk, i looked up at a series of bright stars a waning moon, appreciating the sky in its full glory as the birds began stirring. Swallowing an earlier than usual dose, I cracked on with work while i knew I had a window of uninterrupted. Till a cheeky ping from another early bird, told me to get my shoes and underwear on (she knew full well I was contemplating staying in my PJ’s) as she knew I needed a proper march out with a walk’n’talk. I wasn't going to say no, It was such a beautiful morning and I was taken on a route I had not been on before. Much was said given my latest turn of events, decisions were made, but the best part was the tranquillity of a sunrise and a descent into the misty covered valley below. This buddy I walk with gets me, like most of my inner circle, she’s run off her feet busy most days, works her ass off and keeps her family in check. But when she can, she makes time and we have amazing and empowering conversations. I look forward to our little leg stretches when there's no-one there to interrupt us and we can be completely open and unhinged without judgement.
I had only planned to take 5 doses in a row and then have a gap for 2 days, but I actually feel that this is building up a certain level of security in my processing ability and enforcing my daily doses of nature. It will be interesting to experience a day without this in my system for comparison, but I'm not there yet. I’m a few days away from the kids going back to school. I have had my goalposts significantly moved for the next few days by a turn of events out of my control and I need to keep this focus and balance up. So I'm going back-to-back for a while till I get some peaceful windows in the day to put my mind to a ‘normal’ day. I honestly believe this is the key now to untapping the drive for Italy, so the hunt for where and how will soon begin.