Days Two - Four

is it all in my head?

Day Two

It was a long, loud and busy day. I worked at an exhibition with masses of people and animals. Usually, I would be riddled with boredom and anxiety for standing up all day and turning on the charm, but nothing phased me. I was more present and alert (it certainly wasn't the revolting overpriced coffee). There was nothing too stimulating to report, but I didn't feel the usual performance panic or need to collapse when I got home. It could too be my body adjusting to a low-booze life, I think that has certainly boosted my energy levels. But the test yesterday was to be around a lot of people and try and notice all interactions. What I did notice was that my listening got more active. I could follow and engage in conversations, much easier than I normally do. I need to read more about the effects of microdosing on an ADHD brain, but the primary reason for my journey with this is to try and alter my trajectory with PTSD. I don't want to keep upping the meds every time life gets more brutal.  Lots of content ideas and stories I want to share, bubbling to the surface so I’m making a list of stuff and using my focus to figure out what order to share things in.

Day Three

Another day waking up in a quiet house. I do ask myself if all this untapped focus and drive comes from having the freedom and space to crack on. I’d like to think this drive is all me, but I do believe in magic and pixie dust and whether this is a placebo effect or the real deal, I'm getting shit done. There are no visible psychedelics or even slight twinges. I’m content and calm,  I'm noticing sounds more, I'm more spatially aware, walks are slightly more ethereal, but again, that could be my mood. I do not feel pressured or stressed in any way. Who knows. The kids are back tomorrow and I'd like to think I can roll with this vibe a little longer. The proof will be in the pudding… Oh yeah, the impromptu chocolate mousse I made today just because. I don't usually do that often either. 

Day Four

Part One: My babies are back today. It's been a blissful window of calm but that’s undoubtedly about to change, I feel I can find patience and playfulness again and embrace the joy in a child's face. My daughter doesn't think she’s a child anymore, maybe because her body is so adult, but I can see history repeating itself in her and whereas I’m conflicted about preparing her for adulthood in a protective way, I'm also keen for her to learn the mistakes for herself. I do need to connect with her more and trust her. She can be pretty intense, duh, I can too, but I've had years to master my calm and only show the fire within in a controlled and considered way. The teenage brain baffles me, even though my memories of it are all quite vivid. There were no phones as a child or social media when I was a teen, we met up in person when we said we would and we got our kicks elsewhere. Her interest in topics way above her paygrade scare me a bit. But I'm open to exploring those fears, with more conversations and time spent together. I'll come back to this later once my day has passed and reflect… 

Part Two: Everything was going so well till I had a call from social services about an incident that happened with my son while he was at my ex’s. I can tell from past experience that the kids and I are now in for a bumpy ride, when he gets wind of this we’ll need to check our seatbelts are secure. Ordinarily, on days like these, I would get lost in my head, get angry, and resentful. I’d probably pour a glass of wine before supper and muddle through the evening till I was tired enough to sleep. I didn't do that today. I accepted this new turn of events, I acknowledged that I was going to need some extra focus to process. I didn’t cancel my spin class, took my kids with me to the gym, and my eldest took herself into the gym for a workout. Something she is new to, but loves. My son opted for a swim, which he did happily and befriended some kids, which is not usually his forte. I got my pedal-like-a-nutter time in and the endorphins did the rest. Sure, there’s a bit more than I wanted in my head to wrestle with at the moment, but time, practicality and diplomacy tend to work its magic. Tomorrow is always a fresh start.