She's back
bringing out the babe and embracing love language
I’m a week in and there have been profound changes in my mental state. Without any noticeable shift, no highs, no noticeable coming down either. The subtle shift to a different level of understanding about myself, my life, my goals, my daily activities, the love and patience for the people around me and oddly my body and emotions that were buried... that are bubbling up to the surface.
I'm ever the optimist but I do probably need to question other factors at play. What other changes have I made recently? Well, I’ve mentioned before that alcohol no longer has a prominent role in daily life. I've had a fairly energy-depleting summer, but I've still managed to get to the gym and kick in some endorphins when I really felt I needed them for my sanity. I’ve started religiously taking vitamins. I'm not great at remembering those, but after a bit of a shock on a recent blood test, those are now a much higher priority along with all the live bacteria stuff to counteract all the antibiotics I've had to take off late. I’ve also been getting my natural vitamin D with a double dose of fresh air and natural habitat. The other change is I've been home all summer, not escaping my routine, but improving it. I’ve rekindled a couple of friendships and made a couple of new ones. All feel good and with some water under the bridge now and I genuinely would love them to stay put; in touch and not disperse with geographic separation. As long as they don’t get put off by my random, sometimes full-on texting habits, we’ll be fine.
The other mahoosive change this week is in a dynamic at home. My daughter and I have taken our relationship to a different level. Again, not a huge shift in tact but just realised she’s not a baby anymore. I mean she’s not as grown up as she thinks she is and although we’ve always talked frankly, even since she was small (she has huge emotional intelligence) I’m not talking in sub-defused code anymore. Spades are spades. I’m not afraid of tackling the formerly red-flag subjects she’s dropping into conversations, like sex, alcohol, drugs, abuse, control, misogyny and other topics that I'd probably been trying to avoid along with my internal and uncomfortable red-flags. She’s been so receptive to these conversations and I feel a new type of bond forming. I’m all in for this.
On top of this, my autistic son, who has huge issues with anxiety, friendships, and emotional regulation, came home from the park with 3 new friends the other day, and took himself off to their house for a play after. An hour later they asked if he could go to the social club with them, which he did. He came home on time, forever grateful for his opportunity in trust. My daughter and I just looked at each other in disbelief. It's like all our Christmases came at once. We’ve tried so long and hard to make him leave his comfort zone, but due to past experiences of rejection, he’s been hesitant to put himself out there. I’ve tried to get him to engage with people and interact and I think the time we’ve spent camping or befriending strangers on the beach you’ll never see again has taken him out of his shell a bit. He now has a best friend, a girl who he adores and who seems to get him. She doesn’t live close by though and getting them together as much as he would like is a challenge. He’s just made another friend who I feel could be a really solid find for him, equally neurodivergent and hyper, but they click and get each other and that's worth its weight in gold. It's making all the agonising rejection, frustration, social exclusion and bullying seem like a fading memory and I’m all in for this brave new world too.
The other thing that has been happening this week, whether coincidental or not, is people keep telling me how amazing I look. I mean more than just one random friend. Complete strangers, family friends, my kids, old friends catching a glimpse of a story with no context, people I see every day but don’t know well. It’s super weird, I mean it feels good, but it’s been a while since I’ve felt noticed. Maybe I had just been ignoring compliments all along (I’m not great at taking them, much prefer dishing them out, same with gifts) or something has changed on a biological level. I do feel better in my body, but I also have noticed a change in my skin and my clothes. Ok, yes they are looser but I think it’s because I’ve been working hard this summer and haven’t felt the need to eat for the sake of it. I’ve only really eaten when I'm hungry and that’s been enough. But I’ve got into clothes I was holding onto for a decade because I loved them so much and knew one day I’d be able to wear them again (when does that ever happen?) The human disco ball of an outfit I’ve been saving up for a proper wicked whirl also looks banging, as do my legs in it. I feel like I’m on fire and I’ve hit a new peak. I don’t despair when I look in the mirror. It’s fun seeing what I look like now in the clothes I’ve been saving for Sunday best, which is literally every day now, as I don’t see the point in letting these items gather dust. It’s true I’m not getting any younger but I just don’t feel quite fully grown or like I’m ageing yet either. Quite the opposite. I feel fully alive, almost a rebirth at a level when my body is still in its prime but my mind has the wisdom of a life well spent.
I realise however, that I have let some time pass without opening myself up to another person on a deeply intimate level. All the people around me keep asking if I’m dating anyone. The answer is no. Not because I don’t want to, it’s just I’ve not met anyone I’ve connected with on my wavelength and I just don’t want to be anyone but me anymore, I’m tired of wearing masks and conforming. I mean there have been fleeting opportunities but nothing that had a true possibility to it. I need to connect on a deeper level, love language, food, music, values and energy. So in the absence of that, maybe I need to get a bit braver and find a no-strings friend or just get out more, which I am doing. The internet connection thing just doesn’t appeal, my space and time are too precious to me to waste kissing frogs. I feel like I've got my babe-ness back. My goddess of a bestie, my longest friendship in the world (born a week apart), who is literally the most geographically the furthest she could be from me, but still as close as ever; has been telling me to pull my finger out and be the sexy bitch I was born to be and show the world how amazing I am, but that bitch has been hidden for a loooooong time and unleashing a sexual volcano on the local vicinity seems terrifying. I think I'm more a private clandestine-lover type’o’gal.
I’ve always said I’d rather be happy and single than live a miserable life dying inside. I’m in the world's smallest dating pool; rural area, single mum, neurodiverse kids, almost no budget for meals out and the typical dating fun, so it has to be organic and free. I just won't fall for superficiality or stupidity, I’m too intelligent to have a tolerance for bullshit or being played. I need to constantly evolve and learn, I need mental stimulation, I don't want to mother someone, and I’m done with narcissism. Someone who can take care of themselves. Someone independent who doesn't expect to spend every waking minute together. Someone who accepts that women’s bodies are meant to evolve with imperfections, yet still worships and pleasures it anyway. I need someone who doesn't get put off by my drive and ambition or intense or uncomfortable conversations, someone who values what I bring to the table, till then, I’m ok with eating alone.
Universe… Do they exist? Not married, not gay. HMI..