Let's start at the beginning, shall we?

What’s your creative output? You may not be an artist or a photographer, poet or culinary concocter, or a decor-do-over, but I'm sure you have something deep inside that likes some colour, flavour or sparkle to it? I have many creative passions, but the one I’m building some pride around right now is communication in the written word. My efforts are by no means perfect, but I at least like to take care and effort in my writing. These days it's typically limited to text banter with friends about funny stories, adventures, or empowerment, goals, ideas or how engaged I am in this project.  I’m also a lover of writing letters, nice long ones where your soul pours into the ink.  I’ve often found that easier than communicating face to face, because despite some big ideas and brave moves in my life, I'm actually quite shy and there has been fear about letting down walls and people seeing directly into my soul. Especially around those I admire, respect or attracted to, I’m more comfortable in their shadows and don't want to look like a complete fool, imposter syndrome is ever present in my headspace.

It's scary thinking about sharing my deepest thoughts about myself with strangers I have no connection to. It's why until now I've kept my circle small. Telling the truths that I'd perfected hiding. But how can I empower people to find their courage and confidence if I'm not willing to do it myself?  After years of being isolated and hidden, I've embraced the freedom for all for personal connection, it's now my fuel. I've opened up to connecting, shown up for people, just like old friends and new acquaintances have shown up for me in my life and at the most opportune moments. Like the universe was sending me a clear message. Even new people, that ordinarily would not have crossed my path have and have delivered some beauty and knowledge that has made a lasting impact. A bond was created almost instantly, because I was just myself and had the confidence to risk being open, and it didn’t floor me, quite the opposite. When telling one of these new friends about my big plans, he said, “You need to journal this, write about the ups and downs, people want to dream of having a pony or a unicorn or a castle. Write your story, the pitfalls and failures, the success and celebrations. Engage with people who could end up being your clients.” That was two years ago, before all the bumps and I've sat on my disappointment and felt my despair. I was grateful for the lessons and hopeful for the silver linings that allowed me to keep focus.

I had never journaled as an adult, because my mother once read my diary as a teenager and it forever tainted the joy of pouring feelings onto paper. Besides, my handwriting is illegible. I perfected bottling it up in my head., over thinking and then being a social volcano. Especially in my failing marriage. Fear of exposure, being seen and then humiliated for wanting a life more joyful and exciting that I had accepted and succumbed to. Wanting to be treated as an equal and with respect, rather than resented and degraded. Wanting to escape emotional coercion, financial control and isolation. Yup, I was good at that, and managed to hang on silently for 13 years. But when I decided I couldn't do it for even one day longer, things changed.  I gave up a life of containment with consequences for a much richer life with absolutely nothing but my kids and my perseverance.

After the tears dried up and the panic turned to action, I got so much better at sharing. Sometimes to people who didn't care. You soon learn that they aren't the people for you. The ones who did let me pour it all out, are the keepers; my confidantes, friends for life, ride-or-dies, the people I choose above all others to spend my very precious free time with now.

So maybe I could be brave again? A new level of bravery. Exposing my deepest thoughts and fear of failure to complete strangers on a very public level? But share it, just as I would tell my friends? Mmmm.. needed to give that some thought.

The dream was to invest in a legacy for my kids but also a lifelong dream to have a second base in a warmer climate with views and food to die for. After I found the bricks and mortar to plant the seeds of my dreams, I came home and began the process of making it happen, despite many people thinking I was delusional. So I sat on the idea for a month, then challenges kept hitting, shit started happening that was out of my control. The building came with a whole series of complicated and expensive time-sensitive commitments. I overloaded my capacity to pull it off. Alongside some embarrassment from telling people how committed I was to making this happen, work and home life also presented some significant complications. I wasn't a victim of anything, but just a series of loud and clear messages told me to let this one go and then find another option when I was more prepared. So, now I find myself back at the beginning, a second beginning, a do-over. With no time pressures, just a dream to realise.  Storytelling is part of life, this is the start of my sequel. With some reflections on how I got here, why I need to do this, and I realised sharing this process and story is key to keeping the dream alive and on track. So I have accountability for this process and story. To remind myself why it's so important for me to do. Who I’m doing it for.  And take anyone who is interested in trauma recovery, through the ashes of my own rebirth. As a whole human being, with self-love, on a mission to rebuild other people's lives as I have my own. Through any tool necessary to get them there. Healing, listening, wellness, screaming it all out, dancing, learning something new, interacting with people in-person, dealing with the post-lockdown hangover, death and loss, finding love in the most unexpected ways, spreading wings again, breaking down the walls of fear or just a well earned break from the hamster wheel of life. So now it's time… I know it's going to be my lifeline getting through this mammoth mission. Especially when the bumps or the road forks come up thick and fast. So here is the story of my journey, with my crown straightened up, the road to castello, warts and all…it's all raw, unfiltered and as it flows…